First entry for April, and blogging from my office. Hoho, work has been kinda boring and mundane because basically, my workload is very minimal. Reason being its still a very new company whereby their products aren't even launched yet in SG. So, all i do when i come to work is to help in typing out numbers, creating excel spreadsheets (the irony seeing how one of my most hated modules became one of the most applied modules in my work life).
Graduation period is in May, and i have been thinking if i should go for it.
1. Conflicting feelings
To be honest, i don't have much friends to hang out with after i left my previous group of friends. It seems like a amiable goodbye, but to be truthful, the awkwardness tied in with coincidences bumps-in during school term is undeniably strange and hard to handle for me. I went to the awardees page and saw that four of them would be getting special prizes or mentions for their academics performances. I guess this deterred me a little from going to, because i am probably jealous that they are excelling in areas whereby i wished i am instead. It's probably ungraceful of me to feel this way, but i just cant help but to feel this way.
& then comes the boredom. The truth is, there isn't much happiness for me to feel, because there are no friends (and i mean really close and still, on talking terms) getting an award, and when everyone goes around mingling with other people, am i just gonna stand there and feel jealous at the social life i couldn't bring out with me with the certificate?
Sure, there is the group of boys which i hang out with during my final term, and i felt grateful to them for actually accepting me in their circle, of which until now i still feel like a gate-crasher. But these are the people i would want to graduate with, and the only reason my poly life didn't suck as much as i would expect it to be.
Nevertheless, i am going to put aside all the negative feelings and thank the girls which accompanied me during the first two years. As much as i missed the times spent, i pondered over a long period of time about our relationships and felt that even if you guys are gonna be ok with me, things aren't just gonna be the same anymore. So if there is a second chance, i guess i would still say goodbye to you guys.
You know, readers who doesn't know what happened shouldn't be so quick to judge if they are the ones at fault, or if i am the one at fault because you guys probably didn't know what really happened. Even if you are involved, you may possibly even misinterpreted messages and came to a flawed conclusion.
But all in all, it's still good to feel appreciative and just sigh at the duration of the friendship. No hard feelings, no hatred - just a peaceful and neutral feel towards the whole issue now.
I am still ever grateful to have chosen the six months internship despite being alone when i made the decision, as well as objections coming from my family, and last but not least financial issues which includes the first month's allowance, air tickets, visa and so on.
I have to say, living with a roommate for six months was a first-ever experience for me, having always owned a bedroom to myself for the past 19years. The first few months did not go all smooth sailing, of which i am sure Deborah Koh Su Ping
would kindly agree with me. There are definitely arguments, conflicting interests, differences in opinions and last not least, our own shortcomings, of which everyone would have if you are a normal breathing person.
I am just so glad, and proud, and happy that we overcame all these together and came back to SG with a new found relationship not many can have - overseas roommates bond. All those happy times, sad times, fun times, angsty times, girls HTHT times, and those ever-late for work times are something i would remember and tell my grandkids about it while sipping a cup of lovely tea.
& those people who came for visits, and the other beijing interns, and also having met my current boyfriend, Sijun (SJ) during the internship. Our relationship did not came easy because he was a confusing character, and he had a unsolved issue which made us surreal and unreal. The way we began, oh yes, it is definitely not the typical boy-meets-girl, fell in love, got together, happily ever after. In fact, i was always shushing him up for the sweet words he would say and banish those as song lyrics and storybook lines. (Weird because i have always fantasized about someone saying that to me when i read manga, but when someone really did that, i can't help but laugh at the mushiness instead of going all fuwa fuwa and declare to the world how lucky i am
I was scared of falling in love because i have seen too much sadness around me, and my first relationship got to me a little because i honestly thought it could last. Guessed it didn't. Till now, i still feel shy to introduce him as my boyfriend to my friends, so i usually secretly hope that they don't ask, or i would just say "oh he is my friend". LOL. Well thats me.
But if i were to go for graduation, its gonna be because of Deb and SJ. Glad that IBZ has the same graduation day, because at least i can act sociable and add two more people to my "to-talk-to" list.
So, conclusion is, i have decided to attend the graduation ceremony because :
1. It might probably be my only chance to wear the graduation robe since no universities have contacted me about anything at all. Not gonna lie and give excuses, but i am really depress about this. But with a GPA of 3.3 , i don't think much can be done or be hopeful about. In fact, i have been thinking of all the alternatives and telling them to people, but if i were to not get accepted to any universities, those alternatives aren't the ones i wanna go through with.
2. There may not be much people i can talk with, but there are people i want to share the day with. The clique may be coming to my graduation ceremony as guests, and bringing sunflowers along - something which we would do for each other on each other's graduation ceremony. Its gonna be lovely if it works out, like everyone do turn up and all. But if not, there are still others whom i can share the lovely day with.
3. As much as i may not be on talking terms with my ex clique, it would still be good to clap for them when they received their prizes. Even though i am being a bittergourd at the time i saw the list of awardees, the efforts they put in isn't fake and unreal, and even from the point-view of a course mate/ex classmate, i think clapping would still be the least, small gesture for giving them the recognition they need.
4. Saying goodbye to Ngee Ann and giving myself the closure i need for my polytechnic school years.
WELL, I actually don't think anyone is going to really be concerned if i am going to the ceremony or not, but i just needed a place to jot down my thoughts. & yes, an intention of letting the ex clique and related people to read because i am too thick-skin to send them an email directly. Plus that would be really random and weird, and awkward.
But i think the real reason still lies with me being bored in work. At least i came up with an entry for Apr!